Never Let Go
by Hui Xie
Summary: Songfic about how Remus reacts to Sirius's death. Our werewolf is secretly devastated, but how will he react when Sirius comes back in his dreams? One-shot, slight Remus x Sirius, shounen-ai.


One shot fanfic from Harry Potter. Shortly after Sirius's demise, Remus broods on his friend's death. How will Remus take it, having his only closest friend been taken away from him? And how will he react, what will he learn, when Sirius comes back in his dreams?

...I have this thing where any bonding should have apologies within it. I have no idea why, but I think that saying "sorry" is what makes things really fluffy, for some odd reason. Ah well. I'm just going with the flow here, people.

...Not my greatest fic, but not my worse.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter nor the song "Never Let Go". That belongs to Josh Groban.

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Never Let Go 

There was only darkness.

No light entered, flittered, glowing, not with radiance nor warmth. None at all.

Remus stirred, trying to awake from this dream, this realm, yet not wishing fully to regain his consciousness. He feared that if he entered further into this kingdom of night, he may never be able to return, especially if this kingdom's only light source, if possible, was the moon.

He tried to pull back, he tried to resist.

But something…something…urged him to go on, whispering words of love and comfort, singing songs of melancholy reminiscence, vocalizing freedom and heartfelt assurance…

_This is insane, _thought Remus. _I can't let this get to me…_

Every night Remus had the same dream; consumed in the darkness with no light to guide him, no hand to pull him up. There were whispers that flittered through what felt like a silken worn curtain; a breeze would appear out of nothingness, wisping about him, coaxing him to a world he was sure that pretending to be prosperous, but truly dark and miserable.

And every time he had that dream, a vivid image of his childhood friend appeared in his mind, his body falling in a graceful arch, taking eternity to land, only to gracefully slip though the barrier between the living and the dead.

He would wake up, sweating and startled, with the face of Sirius Black on his mind.

Tonight was no difference.

_I can't understand it_

_The search for an answer has met with a darker day_

Deep down, Remus was lying to himself. He needed to act like a father to Harry now, he needed to forget Sirius's death and move on, doing more things for the Order. But deep down, he couldn't. It tore at his heart, ripped it to shreds, and then mended it in feeble attempts, still bleeding from the prick of the recovering needle.

"Remus…"

Remus was startled. The voice…it was beckoning him, calling him…how did the voice know him?

"Remus…" it called again.

"What?" he asked, speaking to the nothingness.

"Come closer, please…" pleaded the voice sadly.

Remus held back. Come closer? This was a trap, he knew it…

"Please, Moony…come closer…."

Moony.

Taking a hesitant step forward, Remus managed to conceal a swallow, frowning in the darkness warily.

"Please, closer, Moony…" the voice…it was so familiar…and much more bolder now that Remus had taken that one step. Should he get closer? Should he help the poor soul who was begging for his presence?

He had to help.

Blinded, he stepped forward again, and again, and again, until a feeble, glowing image of a human-angel hybrid appeared. Wearing dark crimson wizard robes, the human-angel also had large, feathery glistering wings sprouting gracefully from his back, each feather in perfect place, shifting in the windless darkness.

"Moony…"

The werewolf took yet another step closer, until the image became brighter, and clearer. However, once he managed to get within distance to notice the familiar long, black hair and the shining, clear blue eyes, he took a step back again.

"S-Sirius?"

The wizard-angel gently lifted his head, confirming Remus's suspicions.

"Hello, Moony," smiled the Animagus sadly.

There was a silence between them, until Sirius broke it with another one of his infamous antics.

"If you hadn't talked to me first, I would've thought you were mute or something," joked Sirius lightly. "Come on…aren't you glad to see me?"

"This is a dream," muttered Remus bluntly, dazed. "A dream. You're not real….you're just an illusion formed from my mind and experiences…"

Sirius regarded him sadly.

"I'm not, Remus," he assured softly. "I'm talking to you --- from the world behind the veil. Please don't think it's a dream. It'd render all my efforts worthless." The Grim gave a rather mirthless laugh, melancholy tinting his every word.

Remus frowned.

"Come on, believe me, Remus," said Sirius softly. "Do you really think I'd suddenly come out of your imagination and be having such an unexpected conversation with you? Come on, Moony…"

Remus hesitantly took a step forward; Sirius did the same.

"You're…really Sirius," asked Remus, more as a statement than a question.

Sirius nodded as he stepped forward again.

Remus sighed. His heart began to contort between many different emotions…happiness, sorrow, devastation.

"Missed me?" asked Sirius, smiling.

Remus gave him a look. "How can you be joking at a time like this, Padfoot?"

"Just answer the question, Moony," said Sirius airily. "I have to know."

Remus casted his hazel eyes downward, slowly closing them.

"Of course," he said softly, turning away. "But…we all had expected one of us to die…we can't brood on it every day…"

"I know we can't, Remus," said Sirius quietly, creeping up behind him, laying his hands on the werewolf's shoulders. "But what knowing you, what you're doing to yourself is simply not right. You're not 'brooding', Remus. You're hurting yourself. Letting our closest friends go doesn't mean we have to suffer and act in torment everyday, pretending to be casual. I know you, Remus. Let yourself go."

"Let myself go?" echoed Remus, voice emotionless with horror. He shrugged off his friend's hands aggressively, his eyebrows beginning to knit in a pained, hurt expression.

"Let myself go," he said again, shutting his eyes tight to stop the tears that were threatening to spill. "Sirius, how can you say that? Do you know how much I have to put up with, now with you gone? First James, then Lily, then you! Did you know how much it hurt my heart to see you go through the veil, and how much it hurt even more to stop Harry from hurrying in after? Do you?!"

He whirled back around, glaring at his friend, who was also looking hurt that Remus was being so aggressive.

"Did you know…how much it hurt…," whispered Remus, "when I had to hold Harry back from going in after you, when all I really wanted to do was to do the same? Imagine how much it pained me, to stand there, struggling with your godson, my friend's son, and tell him, 'no, you can't', no matter how much I wanted to?"

He turned away again, a single, angry tear finally appearing, at which he hastily wiped it with a rough movement of his hand.

He felt his friend come up behind him; he felt arms wrap around his chest and shoulders, embracing him tight, giving off the air of snug protection and comfort. He felt warm breath grace the nape of his neck, sending a shiver down his spine.

_And we've been handed these moments forever_

_But I'm reassured there's another way_

"I'm sorry, Remus," he heard Sirius murmur into his skin. "I'm sorry."

Remus closed his eyes again, sighing a small sigh.

"It hurts, I know," whispered Sirius. "Especially after what we've been through. I know, Remus. And I'm sorry."

Bowing his head in weary exasperation, Remus shook his head.

"No, Padfoot. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper like that."

"You should've. You have nothing to regret, friend. I want to you spill like that. It shows at least you still have emotions within you. I don't want you to…" he paused for a moment, gritting his teeth, "…I don't want you to become like me…when I was in Azkaban."

Remus blinked and looked up. The Animagus behind him sufficiently turned him around, and when they came face to face, Remus could see that Sirius had his eyes shut in a grim expression. With a lot of effort, it seemed, Padfoot slowly raised his head and looked straight into Remus's eyes, his haunted, blue orbs into Remus's weary hazel irises.

"There are other ways to become soulless," said Sirius softly, "without a Dementor."

_You don't have to close your eyes_

_There is room for love again_

Remus stood there, staring deep into his friend's eyes, dazed. He lingered his gaze somewhere else, sighing in defeat. He knew Sirius was right. How he was acting was wrong. He gently wrapped his arms around Padfoot's neck, embracing him tight. He felt Sirius envelop his own arms around his waist, drawing them closer.

Would this be the last time they could feel each other again? Hug each other, talk to each other, care for each other?

_Ease the pain to realize all that love can be_

_Forced apart by time and sand_

_Take a step and take my hand_

_And don't let it go_

_Never let go_

"I asked you to let go of your feelings, Remus," said Sirius. "Can you do that? Harry needs you now. James and I are not there anymore."

"You asked me to let go of my sorrow, Sirius," corrected Remus, smiling a small smile. "But you've never asked me to let go of what we have."  
There was a silence from the former prisoner of Azkaban, until the werewolf heard a small, wry chuckle.

"No, I suppose not," said Sirius softly. "That will never be gone. The Marauders will always have a place among us all."

_Broken, once connected_

_We were blessed in a simple way_

_So don't let me go it alone_

Sirius pulled back, staring into Remus's eyes.

"I just wish I didn't have to go. Stupid idiot I was, I deserve to be here, among the dead. I shouldn't have been so reckless with Bellatrix."

"You hadn't been going out," defended Remus, "Judging you, that's not surprising you would head on in battle like that. I was worried."

Sirius leaned in, and Remus could make out sorrow floating among the capturing blue, like a clear cerulean sea after a storm. Calm, peaceful, and sad. Relieved of the pain it had to go through, but now depressed by the results it holds.

"I really don't want to go away, Remus," said Sirius. "It hurts a lot, to see the chance that I could've taken, to live longer and at least see you all. Now I won't be able to see you again."

"It is sad," agreed Remus, closing his eyes, drinking in every moment, every warmth, every presence he could find and gather from this one last chance with his friend.

"I haven't seen you in fourteen years while I was in Azkaban," sighed Sirius. "And now I won't be able to see you again, for who knows how long."

"I'm just thankful for the chance we had," said Remus. "Even though it was only two years, at least we got to see each other, got to clear things up."

"Still…" murmured Sirius. "…being the stupid git I was…"

"You're not a git," assured Remus firmly. "It's not your fault you're here. It's not your fault I'm upset and holding up my emotions."

"Still…"

"Don't think about it anymore," said Remus softly, but firmly. "What's done's been done." He smiled up at his friend. "You need to let yourself go a little bit too, you know."

Sirius smiled sadly.  
"I suppose."  
Remus tightened his arms around Sirius's neck, resting his head upon the Grim's shoulder.

"It's time for all of us to move on," he said. "Thanks for coming here to tell me that."

"Once a friend, always a friend," murmured Sirius back. "You're the last one alive, Remus. Please don't brood about us up here."

"Don't blame yourself for what happened, then," sighed Remus. "I wish I could still be here forever, in your arms. You've always been such a good friend to me, Sirius."

"I always will be."

"I wish I could stay here forever, Sirius."

"So do I."

Remus sighed.

"Don't be worried about me, Sirius. I will be fine. You need to move on, too. I can't keep on holding you back."

"You aren't."

"I will be, if you're still here."

"I don't want to go, Remus. I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of what's going to happen back in the world of the living."

"Then don't be," said Remus. "I'll take care of things, I promise you, Padfoot. But you have to go. I really don't want to leave either, but I know you can't stay here forever. Let yourself go."

_Turn your head up to the sky_

_Nothing down below but me_

_Face the truth to realize all that we could be_

_Torn apart by rage and fear_

_Hold on to what brought you here_

"You sure?" whispered Sirius.

Remus hugged him tighter, giving him one last embrace. Tears of parting escaped his eyes and soaked little dots of Sirius's robes, but he had buried his head into the Grim's chest, so Sirius didn't notice.

"I'll miss you, Padfoot." He broke away, smiling. Sirius still held his hand tightly within his own.

"Me too, Moony. I'll miss you too."

_Don't let it go._

_Never let go._

Slowly, Sirius began to float higher into the darkness, his silhouette form slowly disappearing into the shadows. Yet his hand still remained firm within Remus's own, never wanting to go until the last minute possible.

"I'll miss you, Padfoot!" called Remus, for the last and final time.

"I'll miss you too, Moony," called Sirius back, his voice far and misty. "We all do."

_Turn your head up to the sky_

_Nothing down below but me_

_Face the truth to realize all that we could be_

_Torn apart by rage and fear_

_Hold on to what brought you here_

_But don't let it go_

_Never let go._

The hand from Remus's slowly disappeared.

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WAAAAHHH…! First actual straight-forward HP fic oneshot! I know this sounds really weird, but whatever. It's shounen-ai, that's it. Once again, straight – forward shounen-ai, not really a "pairing". 

Yeah, I'm obsessed with Josh Groban's songs. (smiles) Dunno why. I find his voice absolutely captivating!!

It was a bad one shot fic, but what can I say? I was pressured for time!

Please review! Tell me if you're getting annoyed at my one-shot fics, btw.


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